Liking People

I hate liking people.

Once you like someone everything they do has to reach the standards set inside your head. Once you like someone they can let you down. You spend all of your time wondering if they feel the same; if they want to talk to you as much or even just be in the same place as you. You want to know.

I’m scared to like people. I’m scared to be let down. I’m scared that they won’t feel the same or that I’ll annoy them.

I do like people though, and I do get let down. I still wonder if they think about me or if they feel the same. But the thing is, you can’t stop yourself from liking people. You just have to accept that it’s going to hurt a little. Maybe with the hurt comes love too.

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However Tired or Distressed- I Am Doing My Best

I’ve figured that people are fickle, fragile, that they only have time for few, but not themselves.

When I tried to please myself and others, I ended up hurting other people and in return, they made y happiness disappear, the happiness that I longed for; worked so hard for. They made is go. Poof. Funny how that is, I can make it come back, I just have to do it without them. I will hope that I will see them again in future, but once they destroy my happiness; they can burn in hell.

I thought it would make me happy, seeing them happy. But they weren’t happy, they kept looking for more, searching so far and hard that they missed it, the blank space in the middle that was avoided. Never mind. Another day, more happiness to generate.

They are the slaves to happiness, but longing for happiness is just stupid, because as long as you’re hoping for it, you won’t be able to see it.

The thing is, it hurts. It hurts to know I will see him in my classes, and no longer be able to talk to him. However much love I gain, it seems at this moment, it will be hard to make up for my year, my year that I sacrificed just for glances across a crowded classroom, simple nods and short conversations.

I cried for him. I longed for him. For happiness. See already, where I went wrong? Like I’ve explained.

I don’t see how my friends put up with me last year. All the anger and sorrow I kept ranting to them, ranting AT them, gosh.

It has made me stronger. It has made me realise that these things won’t last, that we work for everything we have, even to maintain it.

 

I will be happy.

I will be happy.

I will be happy.

I will be happy.

I will be happy.

TROLOLOL.

 

However tired or distressed,

I am doing my best

I am doing my best

I am doing my best

 

I keep repeating these in my head, reminding myself I am good enough.

 

I AM

I AM

I AM

!

 

When you’re told you’re not worth the trouble, it hurts. It hurts more to delve deep into yourself to find out why. So I’m sticking to the basics, of side wards glances and casual conversations. We will never be the same again, and I HAVE to be ok with that.

 

I’m ok with it

I’m ok with it

I’m ok with it

 

Focus !

Focus !

Focus !

 

Easily distracted. Easily broken. No. Not easily broken. I am better than that.well, I am now. I’ve gotten better, I promise. Though my obsessive habits still linger in the back of my mind, even the way I torment myself that I am not good enough.

I have changed the voice in my head to be kinder to me, to shut up when I please.

I’ve been meditating, harnessing my own power. It’s cool, really.

‘But that doesn’t please anyone but yourself? ‘ you’re asking?

No.

I don’t give a damn any more.

 

Run at me.

Be Happy