Starting Again

I’ve decided I need to start writing. I blamed school for killing my creativity, when honestly I just couldn’t be bothered to do it anymore. My stories went to blog posts, blog posts went to poems, poems went to nothing.
I had it in my head that there is no point in doing something unless you’re the best, but who cares? I need to start writing for me; to try and figure out what I want from everything I’m doing.
But instead of starting a new blog and leaving my old one to rest, I have decided to carry on, because nothing has really changed. My writing is still shitty, my thoughts are still not processing correctly and I still don’t deal with my emotions well. But I am open to change and new ideas.

So hi again me, I’m back.


New Old Year

It’s because, I don’t know
His lips were plump and perfectly rounded and they smoothly slide the words out of his mouth as he was talking. His jaw was sharp and bold, elongating his neck and framing his features. His eyes reminded me of the sunshine on a frosty winters morning, blue and icy, yet warm in some welcoming manner. The bump on his nose reminded me of just how much attention I payed to him. He was only ever fully comfortable when he was with me it seemed, yet I’d been denied so many times that year. His smile always felt like it was only for me. And that’s just his face. To me he was perfection just in the way he’d speak.
I’d been infatuated for over a year, just watching him get on with his life in casual glances and conversations. We’d been friends for so long it hurt. There is no way I can even describe how I felt without using overused similes and metaphors, pouring out my heart in some form of poetic writing. It’s just I don’t knoe anymore. I don’t know how it felt, I can only go off memories of crying or laughter. But this memory is destinctive.
New Year. Every one of my friends there all for a good time with each other. That night I felt like I could make it with him. I must have been delusional as I’d been rejected subtlety countless times before, but this felt different. He was warming to me in a way that I longed to feel. The build up the whole night wasn’t too interesting, just me sneaking glances across rooms at him. However, it was different than all year; he was always looking back.
Around 11:30 he came up to me in the most majestically gorgeous manner, oh I was so infatuated. My head rushed and I felt flushed as he smiled at me and just took my hand. The most subtle thing. But it felt wrong in some way, like I’d been cheated and ignored then loved all in one touch of hands. I ignored the feeling and drifted in to interlock with his other hand. His eyes wrinkled at the edges as he beemed at me, dimples and everything. It’s so hard not to use stupid cheesy quotes and whatnot, oh well. Everybody continued laughing, talking, dancing etcetera as we just stood there. Then he pulled me in ad hugged me, embracing me and holding my head next to his chest. My arms draped around him and they felt like they belonged. He started whispering in my ear just normal conversation and I would whisper back. We stayed like this until he said we should go and sit on the swings out the back of my friends house and look at the sky before new year. I loved the night sky, and being with him, so both was bound to be great.
We trecked into the garden and as we approached the swings he walked ahead slightly and sat down, jesturing for me to sit on his lap. All year the thought of being able to be close to him made me feel pike shaking, but then I remained confident. I perched myself on his legs and leant back slightly ad he wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me.
“I’m sorry.” He said solemnly, squeezing my hand slightly. My chest pulled tight as I stiffened. He could tell and immediatly added “for ignoring any of your attempts to get closer to me. I just didn’t want to hurt you. I thought it was best that we remained as we were just incase something happened.” He seemed so calm. I felt angry but overjoyed at the same time. I was pretty messed up then though. Not badly, aha.
I turned my face around slightly and my nose touched his. I immediately shook with nervousness, then realised how stupid I was getting. He tapped his nose to my nose and my face moved slightly away from his, then he kissed me on the cheek, pressing his nose into it as he did so.
“I can’t give you what you need. At least, not yet. You know I’m sorry.” He whispered into my ear. I scrunched my face with confusion, but then nodded in agreement. I had no idea why I gave this reaction, I was not okay with this. I started getting angry at myself as I was confused. But I just knew, for some bizarre reason I knew that he was right. I had to stop helplessly falling all over him when he wasn’t ready for anybody. And that’s it. My New Year started half hour later and I promised myself I would either wait or move on.

And that’s it for that new year.