Apartment Block

I thought I’d built myself up, but every time I build on myself I feel tired, like the extra weight of the new construction is weighing me down. I have no energy to build anymore, my foundations are full of me. I want someone else to help build. I want a skyscraper that extends far into the sky, not this apartment block of half rented rooms.

Change and Love

When we broke up I knew we were different people, but only now, 6 months later am I seeing how much things have truly changed.
It’s no secret that break ups hurt. We’d grown up together and I didn’t see us growing apart, or rather I just didn’t want to see it. Once we were clear it had finally ended I wasn’t distraught, more confused on how to live my life without a constant companion. I had felt the distress in stages over the last year of our relationship, so I didn’t need to mourn when it ended. Or so I thought.
It wasn’t until I saw you again 4 months later that I really felt the twang of a broken heart that hadn’t quite healed calling out for love. But this time it wasn’t for you, because you were gone. The person I’d once known had died. Yes, really.
“I am never going to see them again” rang in my head when I heard you speak. You voice had changed, and not just your accent. There was emphasis on different words, slang you’d picked up from other places and other people. There were hints of the person long gone, but you new facade overpowered my mind. I hated you. You became everything I despised and crushed my buried feelings. Your mannerisms made me cringe, your hair had grown a way I didn’t like it. And that was the point I truly felt heartbroken.
That night I went home and burned everything I still had of yours; all the notes, cards and keep-sakes. I burned them whilst I mourned the person now dead. Their memories will carry through with me forever, but not you.
I don’t mourn losing you, for you are a shadow of the boy that once loved me, and I am the shadow of a girl once loved.

Fate

I thought it was fate.

We were always at the same places, but never bumped into each other. We had the same friends, but never crossed paths. We did the same things, but just always missed each other.
I used to think that we were being pulled together. I remember the excitement of learning about you, and all those times we just missed each other. I thought it was a sign from the universe showing how it was always trying to force us.

But maybe it was the universe trying to force us apart.

Now, as I sit here still slightly broken hearted, I become to realise that I was glad of all those times we didn’t meet. Part of me really wishes that we never crossed paths at all. I think the world was trying to keep me away from you, because it knew you’d break me. But I never listened.

There was a reason why our paths never crossed. I know that now.

Liking People

I hate liking people.

Once you like someone everything they do has to reach the standards set inside your head. Once you like someone they can let you down. You spend all of your time wondering if they feel the same; if they want to talk to you as much or even just be in the same place as you. You want to know.

I’m scared to like people. I’m scared to be let down. I’m scared that they won’t feel the same or that I’ll annoy them.

I do like people though, and I do get let down. I still wonder if they think about me or if they feel the same. But the thing is, you can’t stop yourself from liking people. You just have to accept that it’s going to hurt a little. Maybe with the hurt comes love too.

My YouTube + Tumblr

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YouTube

😀

Dear Me

I’ve met someone who I thought was exactly the same as me. I’ve been trying so hard to talk to them, but I’ve just been getting anxious and scared of what they’ll think of me.  But the main thing is, I just want them to like me.
Now I realise that I don’t even like myself.
I was so afraid of them not liking me because of how I talked or what I said or even my messaging style. But if I acknowledge that that is who I am, how I talk and how I act, then I realise that there is no reason for me to be anxious.
If people don’t like me then that should be ok. I should be comfortable with the thought that I like myself, and that’s enough.
I think it is time for me to stop creating anxiety for myself and appreciate me for who and what I am.

Dear me,

You’re doing great.

Starting Again

I’ve decided I need to start writing. I blamed school for killing my creativity, when honestly I just couldn’t be bothered to do it anymore. My stories went to blog posts, blog posts went to poems, poems went to nothing.
I had it in my head that there is no point in doing something unless you’re the best, but who cares? I need to start writing for me; to try and figure out what I want from everything I’m doing.
But instead of starting a new blog and leaving my old one to rest, I have decided to carry on, because nothing has really changed. My writing is still shitty, my thoughts are still not processing correctly and I still don’t deal with my emotions well. But I am open to change and new ideas.

So hi again me, I’m back.

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